luna_child

3 years...

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 14:28:20 GMT

Today is 3 years since my mother died. I can remember every painful detail. No matter how hard I try to block them out, sometimes I get horrible flashbacks. I used to hate dreaming about her, since in most of my dreams she would tell me she wasn't dead, and my mind would be tricked into believing it, until I awoke, heartbroken. But I miss them now. I really hope (and most of the time believe) that there is a Heaven and that she and everyone else who I have lost will be there waiting for me. Right now, that's the only thing getting me through the days, especially now. I would love to sit and feel sorry for myself all the time, even though that is very sick, but I don't have the time or the energy to feel constant grief, unlike other people in my family. Sometimes I think they would rather be dead. They are living martyrs, and they make me feel guilty if I don't display that level of visible pain.

Helen C. Pidgeon
She was one of a kind. She was only 4'10" and no more than 100 pounds, but she was the strongest person I know. She was so independent, at such a young age, and raised my brother practically by herself, which was pretty uncommon back in the '70s. I loved everything about her, and I want to be just like her.

I obviously don't understand God, and I never will. I gave up trying a long time ago.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering...

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 21:46:46 GMT

Ever notice how trippy it is to play a record album on a phonograph that's a little slow in its revolution? it's like time has slown down...

Free as a Bird...

Thu, 26 May 2005 08:17:15 GMT

I am free. All of the pain, despair, and weight I was carrying as of my last entry has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel light..weightless..happy. I will miss the good times...but they didn't exist anymore so I had to move on. And I have the whole summer ahead of me (which Irish Dan pointed out to me) so I think this is going to be a verrry good summer... :)

I had tender feelings that you made hard,
But it’s your heart, not mine, that’s scarred.
So when I go home, I’ll be happy to go -
You’re just somebody that I used to know.
--ES
God Bless Elliott...for making the music that makes me feel truly human.

shiiit...

Fri, 20 May 2005 05:40:57 GMT

I feel like my world is unraveling before me..."I know what I have to do, but I can't bring myself to do it." Thinking back on old memories and being wistful...and wishing a different set of circumstances could be given to me..a new hand of cards to play from so I can finally end this charade. I miss the life I used to have, the one I can never go back to. Even if I could, it probably wouldn't be as great as I have romanticized it in my mind..like Henry in the Red Badge of Courage...The good times are always better in hindsight...even the bad times are worse than you remember them to be. Was I really that dumb and trusting? So naive that everything was going to work out my way, and now I'm in a deep trench and digging myself deeper. And I'll probably continue to because I don't have the stomach to do otherwise. I could make a novel out of this shit. This fucking love triangle (the imaginary one I have in my head) More like a love octagon. Or just a love ray..or a love tangent..or a love segment...something incomplete and dependent upon this organism that we grew and created and now it's huge and monstrous and demands more fuel that I'm not willing to give it, so it's withering and shriveling like Darth Sidius' face in Revenge of the Sith...growing more putrid and hideous by the second...and yet I feel so helpless to prevent its fall...I want it to work, but I'm not doing anything to help that either...

So I sit here and paint my nails and avoid the reality that's beating me over the head.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell you..I can't play with you no more...LZ

Things that make me happy...

Wed, 18 May 2005 03:14:37 GMT

Reincarnation, spider plants, being motioned to come sit by someone, grilling over slow coals, making eggnog, Sunday papers, pulling all-nighters before exams, splurging on a midweek dinner out, taking advantage of Indian Summer, fireflies, Blood, Sweat and Tears, Friday night, mail that isn't bills, Chinese food, cream in coffee, refrigerators, s'mores, being wistful, shampoo, red wine, driver's license, writing, discovering a secret view, a white Christmas, cults, golden trumpets, removing makeup, getting a really good haircut, sunlight streaming through a window, Autumn, British English, an afternoon nap, Trivial Pursuit, loving forever, winks, Earth Day, watching the moon rise...
There are others...but this is just to get you to think..What makes you happy?

Sometimes I turn on music when I write just so I say I have a certain type of music playing...

Tue, 17 May 2005 06:27:53 GMT

Right now, it's some Neil Young...just for the hell of it. And I'm also talking to Krosey..justifying it by saying I'm taking a break from all my studying when, in reality, I haven't started. I think I may take a nap and then get up around 5 or 6..honestly, I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I stay up til ungodly hours of the night? why can't I just STUDY like I'm supposed to? Maybe cus it's the end and I don't give a shit...and because I know that in less than a week 3 things will happen: I will be done with this awful year of school, I will be up in New Hampshire having a damn good time with my best friend and my brother, and Al will be home...!!!!!! I can't even express my excitement over that last one...

I'm going to see Revenge of the Sith (sp?) on Wednesday at midnight. I feel like such a hypocrite, though, considering most people probably know everything that's going on in the other 5 episodes...but all the cool kids are doing it, and I feel like it's definitely worth spending the $8 on..so rock on. Osaka will be exemplary as well...Just the four Very Contemporaries and a night on the town...

the only thing that matters in the end is that it's over...

Sat, 14 May 2005 19:02:35 GMT

I've decided to just enjoy myself. Rock on, hedonistic lifestyle. Summer will be coming soon, which means some partings and reunions are in store.
Ok..so new topic. One of my biggest pet peeves is getting hung up on. Right now, John Mellencamp and Celine Dion aside, I can't think of anything I hate more. I'm sure there's something, but getting hung up on is high up on the list of things I loathe. How can you have such an utter disrespect for someone that you just end a conversation with total disregard for them? UGH!! I thought this would be a longer rant, but my brain is fried. Time to head upstairs to crawl into the womb of my sheets...

I'll be your mirror...

Sat, 14 May 2005 06:00:55 GMT

reflect what you are, in case you don't know.
So, I think it may be a combination of impending finals and hanging out with new people, but I am rather quickly becoming addicted to cloves. I drove home tonight and realized that my life is not at all what I really want it to be. I feel very dissatisfied with the state of things. I don't know how to alleviate the situation though. One minute I feel happy, the next guilty and sad. I am torn, and I want to stop feeling miserable about having so much fun. I'm not sure if I've ever been this happy, not to mention the added sensation of being carefree for once in my life. Acting on spontaneous desires is a new convenience that I've never really experienced--I always grew up with rigid planning above all else, so the change is welcoming. Maybe I should just join the fucking peace corp. Also, on the way home, someone was jumping someone else's car right in the middle of the fucking narrowest street..instead of waiting I *tried* to make a K-turn in some dude's driveway..and I somehow got my tire stuck in the back of a microwave that was at the side of the road. I tried my hardest to dislodge it..and became more frantic at the time that ticked away. I finally said screw it, and if that microwave wanted to come for the 2-block ride, then so be it. But it somehow, magically dislodged on its own, and I got the fuck out of there..I bet tomorrow I wake up with a flat front tire..just to create a perfect ending to this piece-of-shit story. I need a change.

We shall walk again...

Bored, Tired, and Hungry--the trifecta of misery.

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 14:06:13 GMT

A Spiral Notebook

The bright wire rolls like a porpoise
in and out of the calm blue sea
of the cover, or perhaps like a sleeper
twisting in and out of his dreams,
for it could hold a record of dreams
if you wanted to buy it for that
though it seems to be meant for
more serious work, with its
college-ruled lines and its cover
that states in emphatic white letters,
5 SUBJECT NOTEBOOK. It seems
a part of growing old is no longer
to have five subjects, each
demanding an equal share of attention,
set apart by brown cardboard dividers,
but instead to stand in a drugstore
and hang on to one subject
a little too long, like this notebook
you weigh in your hands, passing
your fingers over its surfaces
as if it were some kind of wonder.

Ted Kooser

Maybe the world isn't such a horrible place after all...

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 04:54:05 GMT

Yea...it's been awhile...I got my nose pierced, which was uber-cool...I got it done right after my RA interview, which I think went very well..I didn't get asked back for a second interview, which means I either definitely did get the job or I definitely didn't. Driving home tonight, I'll admit, was difficult, but there's just something about fog that is eery and magical all at once. I saw this almost-supernatural glow coming off of the rooftops on North Washington avenue, so I decided to take the long way home, not knowing what I'd see...maybe I'm just naive, well I know I'm naive, but I almost expected this other-worldly sight, like a supernatural phenomenon like the aurora borealis or something, but it was just street lights shining onto a Marywood parking lot. Still, even though this was definitely an ordinary view, there was an inexplicable appeal that came from the barrenness of the campus combined with the streetlights and fog...it made me feel innocent again, like a second baptism..for one second I believed I had gone back in time and maybe anything was possible...but then I turned left and resumed life in my own little town again and everything was normal and unattractive and blunt. It's nice to know there's parts of my city that are magical, though. And I don't want ANYONE telling me I'm lame for believing low-level mist combined with ordinary lamplight is "magical"..you're just jealous and bitter and jaded that you can't be as imaginative as I purport to be.

I need a new picture.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 03:22:31 GMT

Sick and tired of school, and it's only my third day.. Sometimes I wonder if this is where I was supposed to end up...not that my life is over and there's nowhere to go, but I feel like I'm trapped sometimes. Life was great when you didn't have to worry and you had no responsibilities, obviously...when your mom was still alive and you had no clue what was about to happen to your family...when love was young and new and fresh...and I was a little more naive and trusting of the world. I feel so bitter and jaded sometimes, and I'm only 19. There is absolutely no reason for me to be bitter and jaded; my life is so much better than it should be. I could have been dead by now. I need to change my life around, and I'm not sure how to do it. I have 43 days before I go to Rome...it feels so much longer.

"Mommy, when I get married, I HAVE to have a Genetti Wedding." This is why people mock Scranton. This and the whole new assinine "Lackawanna Wonderful" campaign are the reasons why absolutely nobody takes my city seriously anymore. What is wrong with the people who run Scranton? Do we have Giardia cysts in the water supply again? GOD! I mean, I LOVE the Electric City sign..nothing makes me happier. I love seeing it from different points in the city, but how did Scranton actually afford it? Sometimes I don't believe it. That sign always reminds me of the giant calendar in "Atlas Shrugged" that hangs above the city and can be seen from any point in the city; granted, the Electric City sign cannot be seen from everywhere in Scranton, but it serves as a beacon, a sign advertising the long-gone grandeur of my beautiful city.

it's like raaaiiin on your wedding day...

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 17:17:04 GMT

So my grandma called today and said my aunt was driving her to the ER because she was throwing up and had stomach pains. So my dad decided not to go to the champagne brunch he spent $30 on; he'd go to the ER instead and I could go to the brunch. So I quickly got dressed nicely, and then I remembered I had to go up to the attic to get a nice black purse...I was coming back down the stairs, tripped on a pair of boots, and sprained my ankle. Bam-$30 wasted. More importantly, I yowled like a coyote in order to get my dad to come upstairs. Right now it's elevated and hurts like a BITCH. Coming from a girl who's never had anything but her sternum broken, my threshold of pain is relatively low. (It's easy to go through heart surgery when you have the likes of morphine and percoset fighting on your side.) My foot is tingling...so I'm gonna head out and figure out how I'm going to make it to work in 2 hours...peace out.

starflakes

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 03:02:12 GMT

Walking in the snow is an unexpected delight. The crystalline powder glistens in the lamplight like stars on a blinding white palette. So beautiful and refreshing in this cold weary world. Goodnight.
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * *

Being snowed in is what you make of it...

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 21:10:20 GMT

Being snowed in can be fun, if you have alcohol at your disposal. I guarantee it. It also helps if there are others willing to drink, but it's not an integral part of the equation. I am not saying I have alcohol right now, but I can very easily obtain it from the unlocked liquor cabinet downstairs. Right now I have bigger shit to tackle though. While I watch the Phillies game (don't ask me why, because I don't know why I'm watching it either..) I need to work on this RA interview HARDCORE...I need to nail it.
Last night was fun. I never realized how good vanilla smirnoff was when combined with simple coca cola. Delicious combination while watching Garden State, again. It was Cate's first time for that movie, even though she had acquired it among her personal possessions awhile ago. That soundtrack should be a part of everyone's life.
I need to be productive at least one day this weekend, so that's all I have for now.

53 days til ROME!

it's too cold outside.

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 00:14:20 GMT

Hi folks. It's so cold all i feel like doing is renting movies and making cookies--the healthiest thing in the world. I'm even cold INSIDE my house..sometimes I think I'm a reptile..maybe I'll go sun myself on a nice warm rock on the Galapagos Islands or something..Meanwhile Al's off getting comboized and completely smashed over on streetcorners and balconies in Rome--"Just skip this semester of school and come on over, Kait!" Yea, cus I have mucho DI (Disposable Income, fuckers.)
Dan and my other friends Colleen and Steph (aka Tits and Disaster, respectively) want me to go see "In Good Company" with those guys and that girl, with the place and the thing...but it's so FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE!!! But then again, what else am I going to do?
We went to go see Stephen Lynch and Mitch Hedberg last night--fucking hilarious. Just go and download some of their shit and you'll know what I'm talking about. Mitch was fucking WASTED. Stumbling around on stage and shit..."You fuckers are weird.....you fuckers are cool.." Good times at the SCC...and supposedly I still do have a job there..oh well I guess I'll call and make sure Monday. Gotta go do some nothing, kiddies.

"If I could be a superhero, I would be a drug-free girl..."

Vertigo exists.

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 17:48:32 GMT

I am so dizzy right now...whenever I stay in one place I'm good, but as soon as I get up and try to walk around, I almost fall down or crash into walls...I feel like a cat with its whiskers cut off..or drunk. I have one of those facebook thingies, so list me as your friend, if you want..or don't, I really don't give a fuck either way. What do you think of my profile picture on here? Worth keeping or should I change it? I learned a song on the piano today...well as much as a kid who doesn't know how to play piano can learn a song on the piano, I guess..peace.

drink up baby doll...

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 23:25:13 GMT

This day is shaping up to be phenomenally better than the last. Talked to Al today, finally got his #...but instead of getting raped on prime minute fees, I decided to go out to CVS and purchase an internation calling card--only 5 cents/min to Italy, baby! Except I'll probably never be able to talk to him because of the 6 hour time difference. I was going to enroll in an elementary Italian class for spring but I just discovered that they only offer the second installment, so I'd have to already have 101 over my belt..oh well. Borders--here I come!
Another reason today is a good day: I got an e-mail from ResLife asking me back for an interview for an RA position! YAY!! Now all I have to do is prep for it so I can live in a dorm next year...wish me luck people. I think tonight's another night for going to bed early...or going to Borders and the public Library to pick up things about Italia. Until next time...

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels...

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 01:25:46 GMT

...Except maybe some delicious delicious chocolate. Or a lover's kiss. Or taffy. I don't know, I just saw this on some skinny bitch's filing cabinet today at work, and I know it's probably supposed to be motivational, but she shares her office with two rather large women, so really I think it's just a slap in the face to her office associates. I'm really thinking about buying a light therapy box. I need to research it more though, because it almost seems like it's complete bullshit. Anything to get me out of this funk. It's the 5-day rule. I'm definitely not looking forward to school starting, considering I'm getting a continuation of the ass raping I received last semester--organic chemistry. I don't know why but I just can't seem to grasp the concepts. Maybe I'll get out of bio and become an English teacher. Or I don't even care enough and I'll just stick with Biology...I don't care anymore. I want to go ice skating.

Someone's going to die by my hand...

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 19:29:07 GMT

I woke up today feeling sick, yet again. And the law firm job has me at my wit's end. Since I don't actually expect anyone to read this thing, I'm just going to vent, so don't write me any comments to "stop bitching"..you can go fuck yourself. I usually enjoy what I do there but I spent 4 hours on one copy project today...all because of some moronic paralegal who doesn't know the difference between exhibits and mere pages...I thought that's what college was for. GOD! I'd love to kill something...I wish I was a gun owner and had some private property to shoot little animals on...somehow I think that would relieve the stress that accumulates from one day to the next. I also think I get too worked up over things, but that's probably not going to change. I can already see how tough it's going to be existing in the workplace as a woman. Oh well, welcome to America, where your personal dream is always attainable, as long as that dream is wanting to work at a fast food chain. I'm going to relax until I have to go at 4:00 to my other job. oy vey.

Ridiculous!

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 05:06:28 GMT

"Thoughts for this Valentine's Day, 2004. This holiday is created by greeting card companies to make people..feel like crap."
After watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the fourth time today I can't help but fall in love with it even more. I love how Jim Carrey plays a character so against-the-grain. Anyway, that's most of what I did today. Aside from feeling a little down since Al's really gone for awhile now. I missed his call, although I think he'd be proud if he knew Dan and I were at the gym while he was trying to reach me. I will also note that there was a kid there who looked a lot like our friend Al...kinda freaked me out. After the gym we didn't know what to do with ourselves so I ordered some Domino's, and we picked it up; not knowing where to eat it we went to Turkey Hill across the street to at least pick up a beverage--we figured we'd eat our pizza in the parking lot. All of a sudden I look out my window, and there's this ghostly man-bum standing there, holding up one finger--signaling to us that he wanted a piece of our pizza. Dan, spooked by this whole encounter, drove away; I too was a bit bothered by it. After thinking about it though I felt really bad; what if this man really needed some food? We totally denied him. And then I said, "What if he was Jesus?" and it really freaked me out. I could totally see Jesus giving us that kind of test--and we failed. I'm already going to Hell but now I know that I'm not getting a break at all while I suffer for all eternity. No stop to purgatory, hanging out with the unbaptized babies, no sir---straight to Hell I go. No passing go, no $200.
I'd have to say the highlight of the night was finding the twig. The twig from Friday night, which became magical once we had all put our own little spells on it, had been lost in the shuffle of getting lost in the deep woods of the Glen. But all of a sudden Dan broke out in laughter tonight, and I didn't know why. He pulled the twig out of some crevice within his car and just looked at it. This was the twig which Al used to help us get out of the woods. This is the same twig that Al used to reenact scenes from Harry Potter, saying over and over "occulus reparo" and "ridiculous!" and another one that I can't even remember since I didn't see the movie. That twig is going to Rome with us.
We are going to Rome. In 2 months. I think 2 months exactly. March 18 can't come soon enough. Alot of firsts. First transatlantic flight, first flight by myself, first major layover, first use of passport, first time in Europe, and first legal drink, whether it be during my 8 hour layover in Zurich, or in Rome when I finally, finally get there. We're going to ROME!!